


The Queen and Her Jester

by outsidethenorm



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Divorce, F/M, Fighting, Forced Kiss, JJ (Outer Banks) Needs Love, JJ (Outer Banks) Needs a Hug, JJ (Outer Banks)-centric, Kooks (Outer Banks), Pogues (Outer Banks), Sad JJ (Outer Banks), Seperation, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:27:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24477190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outsidethenorm/pseuds/outsidethenorm
Summary: B's father has abandoned her for another family leaving her to look after her alcoholic mother. Her father's pity money means she's richer than the rest of her pogue friends a fact which JJ constantly reminds her of. They think he's just moved to find better work to send money home for his family. After a fight with JJ, the truth comes to light and their friendship takes an unexpected turn.I haven’t written anything in a while so sorry if this is trash but I’m just obsessed with OBX at the moment and not much else to do in quarantine
Relationships: JJ/B, Sarah Cameron/John B. Routledge
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	1. Just a Normal Kegger

**Author's Note:**

> Set in Outer Bank's storyline except without the treasure hunt. Original character x JJ. Gonna have some abusive parenting.

Looking in the mirror I nearly burst into tears. My face was flushed a harsh burning red that made it impossible to put makeup on without it sliding straight off. I’d been struggling for almost half an hour to get my hair into something nice and interesting. But as usual, it was a flat boring mess. Thinking about Kie’s beautiful effortless waves and how she always looked perfect sent me spiraling further.

 _It’s fine, just calm down. You can do this, it’s just gonna be a normal kegger down at the boneyard. You’re gonna drink, maybe smoke some weed, dance with the crew. You don’t even have to tell them tonight you still got two weeks. Two whole weeks. 14 days. Well, technically 13 well maybe 12 today is almost over. Oh god, oh god. I have to tell them. I’m going to die. They will be mad I lied or worse pitying oh god. If John B pulls that puppy dog eyes with the “I’m so sorry_ _B, it’s going to be okay you’ve got us”_ I might just punch him. Ughhhhhh.

I let out an audible groan collapsing on my bed. What was I going to do? I checked my phone. Fuck I needed to hurry up. 30 notification from the group chat. Mainly JJ and John B going on about getting hammered and how great it’s going to be and how everyone needs to hurry up. The last message from JJ was “Queen Beeeeeeeeee, stop fucking around with the kooks and pull that stick up your ass out you were supposed to be helping with the food” Why did he have to be such a dick to me all the fucking time I never did anything to him. He’s always calling me a kook and telling me to go off and marry Topper. You should have seen his fucking face and the fight we had over my car. Fucksake the number of times I nearly told him the truth about where the money was coming from but it’s none of his fucking business. I grabbed a bottle of JD and swigged it. Alright B get your shit together don’t let your dad ruin any more of your time. I pulled my hair out of the braid I was attempting and just put it in a bun. My face has cooled down enough to throw some makeup on and make myself look like I hadn’t just been having a breakdown, Sometimes it would be nice to put more effort in but if I showed up to a kegger with makeup on when JJ is already giving me shit there’d defiantly be a fight. Being a Pogue is fucking shit sometimes it’s like I can’t do things I want to because it’s too Kooky. Oh well. I threw off my clothes standing in front of my wardrobe half-naked deciding what was appropriate enough for a party.

“Fucking hell JJ”

_Fucking hot JJ_

“Oops sorry B” John B called retreating out of the door.

JJ however continued to stand there shirtless staring at me, with my arms crossed over my bare chest and an annoyed look on my face.

“JJ out now” I yelled breaking him from his trance.

“Yeah sorry” he murmured backing out of the room and closing the door.

Jesus can’t they fucking knock for once in their lives.

“What are you guys doing here” I yelled through the door pulling up my shorts.

They opened the door sporting grins and cans of beer.

John B held out a beer “Coming to get you” 

“Yeah, Queen Bee you were taking to fucking long, too busy picking through all your rich bitch clothes?” He chuckled at this thinking that this comment was actually in some way funny.

“Fuck you”

_God why does he have to be such an asshole and why can’t he wear some fucking clothes. Like why do the ones with attractive bodies have to be attached to actual demons? Like Jesus Christ on a bike go back 2 years ago when your 15-year-old ass was scrawny as and never get abs. Please and thank you._

“You wish”

_God, he’s infuriating._

“Alright cut it out, you two you can have a dust-up down at the beach and get all that sexual aggression out”

At this JJ began to interject but was cut off quickly

“Come on let’s go”


	2. Don't you dare try to tell me I have better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> B has a run-in with the Kooks and the night falls into chaos as she tells JJ the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little trigger warning there's some sexual harassment in this chapter.

This was the life. Music playing, bonfire going, beer drowning out my senses. After JJ and John B barged into my room, I’d downed a beer and some more JD making JJ a lot more bearable and after a couple of drinks between the 5 of us, the party was definitely getting started. The rest of the cut had shown up not long after and the Kooks were waltzing in as we speak. Including Sarah Cameron who had already begun to become more welcome in the group after the secret relationship between her and John B was revealed. Once Kie and her had made up she was becoming part of the family still a Kook, but she was welcome with the Pogues. Something that I couldn’t quite understand seeing as JJ was so mad at me for having money, but I think that was just his excuse to hate me. The teasing and comments had already begun once we turned 16 and he’d caught me kissing a Kook at a party. No Pogue on Pogue macking but also no Pogue on Kook macking? That only really leaves the drug dealers and criminals on the cut, technically Pogues but not quite. So just not allowed to get any action on this island apparently. Fuck it I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want tonight because once I tell them I’ve been lying to them they might disown me anyway. Speaking of action Kelce had just rocked up now I know he is a dick, but he was a hot dick and I was drunk and over what people say. I walked over to him and Topper offering them a drink.

As the night went on I progressively became drunker I'd been dancing with the crew most of it doing shots with Kie and John B but JJ seemed to be missing most of it, which was a good thing in my eyes. I walked over and sat down next to Kelce my head absolutely spinning.

“Hey Bridie, you’re looking pretty gone there” he laughed

“Don’t call me Birdie it’s such a stupid name I hate it. Just call me B like everyone else”

“Well guess that's what you get for being a Pogue”

I don’t know when Topper and the other guys showed up but they were all laughing now.

“Oh come on little bird lighten up”

Kelce's hands snaked around my waist as he pulled me onto his lap. My strength was limited due to the amount of alcohol I had consumed.

“Let me go” I screamed pure rage and fear washing over me. It seemed like we were so far away from everyone and my voice was stuck in my throat. Their laughing continued. Kelce grabbed my face shoving our lips together. I pulled away as hard as I could.

“LET ME GO” I screamed again this time my voice finding strength. Suddenly Topper was on the group and Kelce was shoving me off his lap. With my face buried in the sand, I couldn’t see much but I could hear it. JJ yelling.

“Don’t you dare fucking touch her, don’t you ever fucking touch her you pieces of shit. I swear to god I will kill you if you go anywhere near her again.” I pulled my head up to see JJ being pulled off Kelce by John B. Kie helped me up wiping the sand off me.

“B what happened? Are you okay?”

“Yeah yeah I’m fine, just those Kooks being assholes as usual.” I brushed it off not wanting to make a big deal.

This new adrenaline kick had sobered me up. I watched as John B tried to calm JJ down and Kie started having a go at them.

I ran. Unable to cope with what was happening. It was all too much.

I stopped running when I reached the dock leaning against the railing taking a long deep breath of air in.

 _What was I thinking? What had I done? I just caused so much trouble. They’re definitely not going to want to be friends with me now. I fucked up. And what was with JJ he’d been missing all night and then he just shows up, coming to my defense. What was that about I thought he hated me, that I should be with a kook? Fuck. Everything’s so fucked. Why did I drink so much? This is probably my last party with them and I fucked it. Really fucked it_.

I closed my eyes hot tears starting to fall. The waves crashing must have blocked out his footsteps because I jumped when he called my name.

“B”

I turned JJ was standing there. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to let him see me cry. I didn’t want to seem more like a princess to him than I already did. I couldn’t be weak. Not now. I coughed. Wiping my nose trying to hide my sobbing.

“Are you okay”

“Yeah fine” my voice cracked giving away my true feelings. I turned away unable to face him.

“Thank you, I know you hate me so was really nice of you to step in for me back there”

Now I could hear him walking closer.

“Hate you? When have I ever said I hate you? Don’t be stupid you’re my friend”

I let out a choked laugh at this “you don’t have to pretend just because I’m a bit upset I know you do. Always calling me a Kook and hating me for having money. It’s not my fault I don’t want it. I’d rather have a happy family than money. Rather have a dad who cares” my crying had turned into almost hysterical laughter.

“I don’t hate you, what do you mean a dad who cares. He moved to the mainland to get a job so you could have money and be a kook. You got it better than any of us and our families”

I bit my lip trying to hold back the rage inside me but I couldn’t I swung around to face him. What better time than now to tell him the truth.

“You think I have better than you? That I’m happy? I lied my dad didn’t go get a job on the mainland he left me. He left and married some rich chick with 2 kids and now he sends me pity money. Most of which goes to looking after my addict of a mother and trying to get an education so I can leave this place and be happy. You give me so much shit for buying things. That car, I got I worked my ass off to save money for that. Barely any of it came from my dad and I got it so I can drive home from college to look after my mum. I do not have a happy family and all this money. I am not a Kook I have never been and I never will. No matter how hard I try I’m always going to be seen as a piece of shit everyone can walk all over. As you just saw back there. I have no one and nothing. So don't you dare try to tell me I have better. Here take it. Take it if that’s what’ll make you happy”

I took my wallet out of my pocket and threw it at him. My eyes stinging from the salty tears. I could barely stand all my energy draining out of me. I was too exhausted to push him away as wrapped his arms around me. He was so much stronger than me anyway. He spun me around. He brushed the hair out of my eyes and that’s when I noticed it, bruises.

“JJ what happened how did these come up so quick I didn’t even see Kelce hit you”

He stepped back hiding his face.

“Oh ah these are from earlier they’re nothing”

“What do you mean earlier you didn’t have them at the start of the party. Wait where have you been the whole night?”

“My dad called I had to go home to help out with something. He couldn’t find the keys to his boat and he thought I stole them. It’s nothing really. Just glad I got back when I did”

I let out a sob, I quickly covered my mouth. I hated it when people pitied me, I didn’t want to do the same to him. We stood silent for a moment neither of us knowing what to say.

“I don’t hate you. I just, I just thought you had it better than us or that you thought you did at least. I just guess I was jealous that you had a dad who cared enough to do something for you and that you thought you were too good for us. When you’re hanging out with those Kooks and going to college visits and stuff with them. I thought you only spent time with us because you pitied us and that you were better off without us that you’d be happier if you just went over to their side and had friends who could do stuff with you and someone to be with who could buy you all the things you deserve. Us pogues aren’t good enough for you. I’m not good enough for you. I just was waiting for the day you realized it and left us.” his voice had risen and he was pacing.

It was silent once again as JJ kicked a rock not looking at me.

“I don’t hate you I could never hate you.”

I closed my eyes my head spinning with so many thoughts and emotions as well as probably some alcohol.

_Like what? What is he saying? I’m just so confused_

“I don’t want to be a Kook and I definitely don’t want to be with a Kook. I only hang out with them because they’re all looking at schools and stuff like me and it’s easier to go with them. I don’t want to leave you guys. I knew when I told you all I’d lied you’d leave me first. I just... I don’t know. I want to be with you guys you are my family and you’re good enough for me. You’re...”

I lost it I couldn’t comprehend what was happening I just starting crying. I sank to the floor head in my hands and sobbed. I couldn’t care less how weak I looked right now I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I couldn’t lie anymore. Pretend to be fine. I just couldn’t. 

After what seemed like hours with JJ’s arms wrapped around me and sobbing like a child. I pulled my head up. Wiping away my tears turning to face him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so upset. It just all came out”

“It’s okay”

I reach up and touched his cheek realizing he had a couple of stray tears that were stuck to his face.

“I’m sorry, I never meant to make you think I hate you. I was being selfish and jealous and wanted to make you leave us and me before you left us first. You just always seemed happier hanging with them, you’re always hanging out with those guys at parties. And you’re so much smarter than us and everyone loves being around you. You’re gonna get out of this place and I’m not”

“JJ you guys have been my best friends since I was 12. You’re my family. I’m happiest with you guys and you’re always giving me shit for hooking up with Kooks so I think, fuck it and do it. I don’t want to but no Pogue on Pogue macking and it’s nice to think someone sees me like that.”

JJ opened his mouth but he was interrupted by the voices of John B, Pope, and Kie.

“B, JJ where are you?”

Pope flashed a torch at us making my eyes burn.

“Oh thank god. Are you guys okay?”

“Yeah we’re fine” JJ responded to Kie. He pulled me up from the floor holding my waist as I regained my footing.

“What the hell were guys doing?” Pope yelled.

“Do you know the statistics of people drowning at sea when they’re been drinking”

“Yeah, yeah I’m sure it's high but look at us we’re fine. No drowning here plus bet those statistics don’t factor in the amazing skills of JJ huh” he grabbed Pope's hat rubbing his head and grinning.

“Fuck off JJ we were worried” Kie whacked him up the side of the head earning an overdramatic ouch from JJ.

"Where's John B?" I questioned, noticing he was not with them.

"He's probably still looking for you two he was really worried about JJ after he stormed off" 

"There he is" JJ called back. John B was absolutely steaming. Grabbing JJ by the collar. "Hey what's that for man?"

"Don't you fucking do that again JJ, those Kooks could have killed you there were 5 of you and one of them. You're lucky they didn't beat the shit out of you. What were you thinking just starting a fight like that?"

JJ shoved him off "Bro did you not see what they were doing to her? Did you see how they were touching her? they're lucky I didn't kill them. Fucking Kooks I should have shot them in the head"

"Hey, hey JJ I'm fine it's okay calm down" I wrapped an arm around his making him look done at me. "I'm fine I swear"

"Wait, B what did they do to you?"

"It's nothing they just started talking shit and then Kelce grabbed me and tried to kiss me but I'm fine really. JJ stepped in before anything bad happened."

Now John B was looking furious, he wrapped me up in a tight hug. I dug my head into his chest almost crying again. 

"I'm sorry B I just thought JJ was overreacting I didn't realize they were hurting you" he pulled back from the hug "Don't worry we'll never let them touch you again. He placed a hand on JJ's shoulder "and I'm sorry man I just thought were you know.." he looked back at me trailing off. "Doesn't matter parties over let's all go back to mine and chill"

Kie wrapped an arm around me leaning her head on my shoulder as we all started walking back to the van.

_God, I need some sleep this night has been a head fuck._


	3. Trouble who me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ's pov of the first chapter.

“Tonight’s gonna be fucking awesome bro”

I was so ready to get so hammered I couldn’t walk. Fuck man this keg is heavy. I looked over at John B grinning.

“Yeah, as long as you don’t get into any trouble” he laughed back.

“Trouble who me?”

“Yeah JJ you, I mean it, no dust-ups, no fights and don’t get yourself into an argument with B. I don’t want no trouble because you go all jealous like a schoolboy.”

I hurled the keg into the back of the van. Clutching my chest dramatically.

“John B how dare you I am a civilized man; I am cultured, and I am defiantly not jealous. Plus, John I am a schoolboy I am not in total control of my actions”

“JJ you’re 17 and you dropped out of school. Just behave yourself.”

“Fine I’ll be on my best behavior” I bowed at him. Earning my hat knocked off my head and chuckle from John B.

_I was going to behave and why would I get jealous? B can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants, not like I’m her boyfriend or anything. I can do whatever I want to, I’m not jealous I barely even like her. She’s just hot and nice and like funny. She can’t stand me anyway and why would she? I’m a low life. I’m nobody to her, she smart and got money and a nice car. She’s gonna move away from here soon anyway. Go be a Kook she’d be happier in figure 8 with all those smart rich people who aren’t going to end up in jail. I can’t give her anything nice, she’s gonna go off and marry a rich Kook who can buy her nice rings and stuff. She fucking loves that ring she’s got not like I could afford anything like that. No, I don’t even like her, I don't need anyone but himself. Don’t need someone in my life who’s gonna leave. She’s better off without us and I’m better off without her._

“Earth to JJ”

I shook my head breaking myself from my trance I don’t even know when Kei and Pope showed up.

“Oh, hey guys we all ready?”

“Almost B’s not here yet she was gonna help with the food don’t know what’s up she hasn’t been texting back”

I grabbed my phone checking the group chat.

“I’ll text her _” Don’t be a fuckwit JJ. I typed out a quick text *Queen Beeeeeeeeee, stop fucking around with the kooks and pull that stick up your ass out you were supposed to be helping with the food* Well good job at not being a fuckwit JJ._

“It’s all good we’re done here anyway. We’ll head over there now and check it out” John B gestured for me to get in the van.

 _She hasn’t probably seen the message. Oh, nope she’s online she’s defiantly seen it. Fuck_.

I grabbed a can of beer out of the back and downed it in one go.

“Jeez, you right there?”

“Yeah just getting the party started, want one”

He shook his head. “Nah I’ll have one once we get to B’s”

We pulled up to her house, she lived in a worse part of the cut than any of us and her house was smaller than mine even. I don’t know why she still lived here with all that money her dad sends her. I mean must suck not having him around but at least she’s got her mum and her dad’s doing it so they can live it up I guess. We knocked on the door no one answered, guess her mum was out. I looked at John B shrugging before pushing open the door. There were wine bottles all over the place. Guess she’d already been parting it up.

“Hey, let’s scare her,” I said raising my eyebrows at John B.

We crept over to her bedroom door barging through.

“Fucking hell JJ”

Oh, fuck she was only in her underwear.

“Oops sorry B”

_Fuck she looked so gorgeous, her hair in a messy bun and her tan lines around her shoulders, her skin looked so soft. Her hands were crossed over her chest and.._

“JJ out now”

Oh fuck, stop staring.

“Yeah sorry”

I backed out of the room closing the door. John B was hunched over laughing at me. I felt a wave of embarrassment hit me.

“Shut up, what are you laughing about?”

“You gawking like a fucking idiot it’s like you’ve never seen a girl before” he clapped me on the back still laughing, he handed me another beer. “Drink up JJ”

I opened it up taking a big sip, fucking hell I’m not gonna be able to get that image out of my mind for a while.


	4. JJ what the fuck man?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ's pov of the second chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some physical abuse and swearing as usual in this one

The party started off great we lit a bonfire, smashed out some beers and the music was going. The Kooks had shown up but they weren’t causing any shit and I promised I’d be on my best behaviour so I stayed away. Plus some of those Kook girl’s were hot and who cares if I only have to deal with them for one night. Although Sarah didn’t seem too bad for a Kook actually nice and she fit in with us. Maybe they weren’t all that bad. I was chatting up one of them having a good time when my dad called me. I ignored it the first time but then he rang again. Drunk as usual and mad as usual. He was screaming down the phone at me to come home now. He couldn’t find the keys to his boat and he thought I’d taken them. I didn’t want to leave but he was threatening to burn all my stuff so I left. I told John B I had to go home for something and I’d be back soon he waved me off and told me to hurry back he wanted to do a keg stand. I heard the banging before I even reached the driveway. I didn’t make it into the house before his hands were around my throat. 

“Where is it” his breath stank of alcohol and I could tell he’d been going at it for a couple of hours. 

“I don’t know dad I haven’t touched them I swear” 

“You good for nothing low life I know you took them. Stealing from me huh think you can get away with it?” 

That’s when the first punch landed, the alcohol had given me a slight dull to the pain but not enough. A second to my stomach knocking me to my knees. 

“Dad please” I begged. I didn’t dare look up at him too afraid to see that look in his eye. The one that said you deserve this, you’re worthless and I hate you, you’re not my son. I don’t remember a time when he was proud to be my dad or when he loved me. After my mum left that’s all it was anger, hate and punches. I couldn’t bear it. I did whatever I could to stay away from him but I couldn’t live at the château forever. I needed to eat, have my own place to be alone. I was never alone. There was only quiet when he was passed out drunk. Sometimes I really thought he would come through when he told me he’d stop. Give it up, get a new job but it never happened. This is where I’d end up. An alcoholic, all alone hurting everyone I loved. 

“I said where the fuck is it you piece of shit. I give you everything and all you do is sit around all day smoking weed and you think you can steal from me” 

I could feel my lip spilt this time blood falling down my face. I curled up into a ball tears starting to fall. He kicked me over and over. Why can’t I do anything right? I’m always fucking shit up. I deserve this. Again and again. Finally, it stopped. I uncoiled. He was standing in the kitchen pouring another drink. I took my chance and ran. I knew he wasn’t finished. He’d keep going until I couldn’t move. 

I reached the boneyard and sank to the floor. I took off my shirt wiping the blood and tears from my face. These would be bruising soon. I walked down to the beach and grabbed some ice from the cooler placing it over my lip and eye. Now my fear and sadness were turning to anger. I hadn’t even touched his keys his drunk ass would have lost them. I fucking hate him. I grabbed a beer the cold against my burning face was painful but refreshing. I closed my eyes trying to calm myself down. 

“LET ME GO” 

Was that B? I opened my eyes. Where is she? 

I walked forward there she was on Kelce’s lap. He was trying to kiss her. Topper and his friends all laughing. I lost it. I charged at Topper knocking him to the ground. Then Kelce was on top of me I grabbed him by the throat throwing a right hook to that motherfuckers face. 

”Don’t you dare fucking touch her, don’t you ever fucking touch her you pieces of shit. I swear to god I will kill you if you go anywhere near her again.” My voice was low almost animalistic I barely even recognised it. I raised my hand ready to beat the living shit out of him. How fucking dare he touch her. How dare he even look at her. As fast as I was on him. John B was on me. Pope and him pulling me back and away from them. I looked over B was standing with Kei. 

“JJ what the fuck man, what the fuck was that? You said you wouldn’t fight. Where have you been all night? Why are you starting shit with those guys? You can’t fucking beat up anyone who goes near B what the fuck man. Get it together. The party was going great now it’s fucked. They could have killed you JJ.” 

His voice floated in the background my rage still so high all I could see was red. My anger was growing with John B yelling in my ear. I shoved him off me. 

“I was protecting her, where were you huh? Why weren’t you there?” 

I looked back to where B had been she was gone. Kei was cursing at them as they backed away Topper yelled shit about Pogues. 

“JJ what the fuck man” 

I left. 

Where was B? I have to find her. I don’t give a fuck is John B is mad I couldn’t just let them do that to her. Fucking Kooks. Should have killed them. Fucking pieces of shit. 

I hadn’t noticed I'd started running but I had. I stopped taking a breath. Where was I? I looked around. In the moonlight, I could just make out someone on the dock. I walked over to it trying to get a better look. Is that B? I slowly walked forward squinting my eyes. It was. 

I called out her name, she whipped around

“Are you okay?” My voice came out so quiet I wasn’t sure if she heard me. 

_What if she’s mad at me? Was she even in trouble or was I just too angry to pay attention and just lost it because he was kissing her?_

“Yeah I’m fine” her voice was so weak she sounded like she’d be crying. My body was fighting against my rage bubbling up and the sadness I felt from her voice. She turned away. I didn’t know what to do I wanted to hold her. 

“Thank you, I know you hate me so was really nice of you to step in for me back there” 

_So I didn’t fuck up she really was in trouble. She thinks I hate her, how could she ever think that?_

I walked closer.

“Hate you? When have I ever said I hate you? Don’t be stupid you’re my friend” 

_I didn’t know what else to say I couldn’t understand why she thought I hated her. I know I was a dick a lot but I didn’t think I’d ever make her feel like I hated her._

She let out a soft and broken laugh  “you don’t have to pretend just because I’m a bit upset I know you do. Always calling me a Kook and hating me for having money. It’s not my fault I don’t want it. I’d rather have a happy family than that. Rather have a dad who cares” 

_Fuck she really thinks I hate her. I didn’t think she took all that stuff to heart I was just being an idiot giving her shit like I give everyone. I just thought it was true and she thought it too._

“I don’t hate you, what do you mean a dad who cares. He moved to the mainland to get a job so you could have money and be a kook. You got it better than any of us and our families” 

She fell silent I tried to focus my head. I was shit at talking, to begin with, and I knew I was probably fucking this up. She turned to face me again. I could see now the tears straining down her face. I opened my mouth to speak but she cut me off. 

“You think I have better than you? That I’m happy? I lied my dad didn’t go get a job on the mainland he left me. He left and married some rich chick with 2 kids and now he sends me pity money. Which most of it goes to looking after my addict of a mother and trying to get an education so I can leave this place and be happy. You give me so much shit for buying things. That car I got I worked my ass off to save money for that. Barely any of it came from my dad and I got it so I can drive home from college to look after my mum. I do not have some happy family and all this money. I am not a kook I have never been and I never will. No matter how hard I try I’m always going to be seen as a piece of shit everyone can walk all over. As you just saw back there. I have no one and nothing. So font you dare try to tell me I have better. Here take it. Take it if that’s what’ll make you happy” 

She threw her wallet at me turning away from me again. I just stared at her. 

_What had I done? I’d made her feel like she didn’t belong with us. I didn’t even bother to notice all the shit she was going through because I was too wrapped up in pushing her away. I should have known her dad had left I should've noticed her mum was drinking. Hell, how could I have not noticed? She looked so miserable._ I couldn’t hold back any longer and wrapped her up in my arms breathing in her smell. I turned her around to face me brushing her hair away. She looked down at the ground sniffling. She wiped her eyes and looked up at me. Her demeanour shifted as she looked at me reached up for my face.

“JJ what happened how did these come up so quick I didn’t even see Kelce hit you” 

I stepped back quickly before she could touch me trying to hide my face from her. I didn’t want to tell her the truth. I didn’t want to make this moment about me and my stupid dad. 

“Oh ah these are from earlier they’re nothing” 

“What do you mean early you didn’t have them at the start of the party. Wait where have you been the whole night?” Shit, she’s noticed I’d been missing. 

“My dad called I had to go home to help out with something. He couldn’t find the keys to his boat and he thought I stole them. It’s nothing really. Just glad I got back when I did” 

She covered her mouth as she began to cry again. _I knew this would happen. I’m fucking stupid. I should have lied now I’ve made her more upset. My fucking dad why does he have to ruin everything. I looked away pacing up and down the dock trying to think of how to tell her the truth about why I’m such an asshole to her._

“I don’t hate you. I just, I just thought you had it better than us or that you thought you did at least. I just guess I was jealous that you had a dad who cared enough to do something for you and that you thought you were too good for us. When you’re hanging out with those Kooks and going to college visits and stuff with them. I thought you only spent time with us because you pitied us and that you were better off without us that you’d be happier if you just went over to their side and had friends who could do stuff with you and someone to be with who could buy you all the things you deserve. Us pogues aren’t good enough for you. I’m not good enough for you. I just was waiting for the day you realised it and left us.” 

It was quiet I kicked a rock around hoping she’d break the silence. So I could stop saying the wrong thing as always. 

“I don’t hate you I could never hate you.” 

Finally she started to speak again. 

“I don’t want to be a Kook and I definitely don’t want to be with a Kook. I only hang out with them because they’re all looking at schools and stuff like me and it’s easier to go with them. I don’t want to leave you guys. I knew when I told you all I’d lied you’d leave me first. I just... I don’t know. I want to be with you guys you are my family and you’re good enough for me. You’re...” 

She sank to the floor starting to cry again. I wrapped my arms around her pulling her against my chest. God, she was so beautiful. She was always so beautiful and now she’s crying in my arms because I was too stupid to just tell her I liked her. Instead, I spent almost a year telling her to go be with the Kooks. I’m the reason she was even with those guys. Now tears were falling from my eyes the second time I tried my best to wipe them with my arm. I didn’t want her to see me like this and I didn't want to let her go. 

We stayed like that for I don’t know how long with my head rested against hers. It felt like an eternity with my head racing. 

_I thought about everything. The whole time since her dad left. All the things I didn’t pay attention to. All the times I’d seen her mum asleep on the couch during the day. All the wine bottles. All the stupid things I said to her and all the times I made her angry and upset. I thought about all the times she looked out for me, for us. All the times I said mean things instead of what I really wanted to. How jealous I got when she was with the kooks all the self-hatred I felt when I realised I’d never be enough for her. Every time my dad hit me or I got in trouble or when I’d spend all day smoking instead of going to school or working. Thought about how nice she was to me how good of a friend she’d been. She’d always looked after me we’d known each other for 5 years and I’ve spent the last one acting like an ass because I didn’t know how to tell her I liked her. She helped me with school, brought me food, bought me things I needed without me asking. She even helped teach me how to drive. Always noticing things always doing the best for the group. She was the nicest person I knew and I made her think I hate her. Why didn’t I spend more time trying to be better for her instead of just believing my dad? Believing I’d never be good enough. I was selfish and jealous. I was mad she had a good family and money but she didn’t. But she gave most of her money away. Always buying us stuff. All those times I found money in my backpack and she’d act like she didn’t know where it came from but I know it was her. It was always there when I really needed it when I hadn’t eaten in days or when I’d almost ripped through all my shirts. How could I even think she didn’t care about us._

She finally lifted up her head wiping the tears from her eyes. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so upset. It just all came out” 

“It’s okay” 

She reached up her hand placing it in my cheek. She was so warm. I closed my eyes taking in a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, I never meant to make you think I hate you. I was being selfish and jealous and wanted to make you leave us and me before you left us first. You just always seemed happier hanging with them, you’re always hanging out with those guys at parties. And you’re so much smarter than us and everyone loves being around you. You’re gonna get out of this place and I’m not” 

“JJ you guys have been my best friends since I was 12. You’re my family. I’m happiest with you guys and you’re always giving me shit for hooking up with Kooks so I think, fuck it and do it. I don’t want to but no Pogue on Pogue macking and it’s nice to think someone sees me like that.” 

I see her like that, she doesn’t realise how amazing she is. I opened my mouth about to let the truth spill out but i stopped myself when the others yelling. 

“B, JJ where are you?” 

A light flashed in my eyes and looked up to see Pope. 

“Oh thank god. Are you guys okay?” 

“Yeah we’re fine” 

I pulled B up, holding my arm around her waist. 

“What the hell were guys doing?” Pope yelled. 

“Do you know the statistics of people drowning at seas when they’ve been drinking” 

I could feel her grip loosen.

“Yeah, yeah I’m sure it high but look at us we’re fine. No drowning here plus bet those statistics don’t factor in the amazing skill of JJ huh” I let her go walking over to Pope and pulling his hat off rubbing his head. 

“Fuck off JJ we were worried” I let out an ouch as Kei hit me on the head. Didn't really hurt that much but she'd brushed a bruise coming up on my face.

"Where's John B?" 

"He's probably still looking for you two he was really worried about JJ after he stormed off" 

Worried? He was fucking mad is what he was.

"There he is" I called out giving him a grin. He staunched towards me and here it comes. He wrapped his hand around my shirt pulling my face right in close. I could almost feel his anger radiating off him.

Hey, what's that for man?

"Don't you fucking do that again JJ, those Kooks could have killed you there were 5 of them and one of you. You're lucky they didn't beat the shit out of you. What were you thinking just starting a fight like that?"

Did he seriously not know what they had done to her. I shoved him off angry he didn't even bother to pay attention, he's supposed to look out for her. What would have happened if I wasn't there?

"Bro did you not see what they were doing to her? Did you see how they were touching her? they're lucky I didn't kill them. Fucking Kooks I should have shot them in the head"

"Hey, hey JJ I'm fine it's okay calm down" I felt her arms softly wrap around mine "I'm fine I swear" She looked so perfect. She was always so warm.

"Wait, B what did they do to you?"

"It's nothing they just started talking shit and then Kelce grabbed me and tried to kiss me but I'm fine really. JJ stepped in before anything bad happened."

He really hadn't noticed. His face now replicated mine as his anger turned from me to them. She let me go as he pulled her into a hug. He always got to hug her one thing about their friendship I always envied.

"I'm sorry B I just thought JJ was overreacting I didn't realize they were hurting you. Don't worry we'll never let them touch you again. He walked back from her turning his attention back towards me placing a hand on my shoulder. I hated it when I disappointed him.

"and I'm sorry man I just thought were you know.." he turned back to look at B and my heart started pounding again hoping she didn't know what he was talking about "Doesn't matter parties over let's all go back to mine and chill"

My anxiety settled as I realised he's forgiven me I couldn't take making anyone else upset with me tonight. He grabbed his keys out of his pocket and lead the way back to the van.

I stood still for a moment watching B walk forward her head resting against Kei. I was glad she had the rest of the Pogues to cheer her up. I just hoped she'd forgive me or just forget the whole thing. I felt a bit of a weight off my shoulders hoping this would lead to a better time one where we could be friends like before and I wouldn't fuck it up with my dumb comments. I just hoped it didn't make things worse. I sighed my face stinging as the cold breeze hit me, looks like it's gonna storm. I hope tomorrow will be better. I sat in the passenger side of my van trying to hardest not to turn around and look at her. I lit up a joint ready to take the edge off his chaotic night.


	5. I see you that way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have so much that I want to say to you, but I can't say a word." - Michelle Burns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JJ and B's POV

A thick cloud of smoke slipped out of my nose a new wave of calm flooding my body. The waning crescent moon reflected off the ocean. The hammock swayed almost in sync with my heartbeat. I took another puff from my vape filling my lungs. My heart slowed once again. Finally after 45 minutes of lazily swinging and smoking it’s racing beat was calm and so was my mind. I climbed down, looking once more up at the moon as if to wish it a good night and walked into the house. Pope and Kie laid sprawled out of the couch. I slunk into the kitchen grabbing a glass of water and searching for some food. A slice of bread is all I found. I continued through the house John B was snoring lightly in his bed. I pushed open the spare room door to find B sitting up scrolling through her phone.

“Hey”

“Hey” she responded looking up from her phone.

The bed was a double and normally her and Kie slept in it when we were all over. I should go wake up Kie so she can sleep in here so I can have the couch.

“You alright” her eyebrows raised in an inquisitive look.

“Yeah why” I blinked focusing my eyes.

“You were just staring off into space there”

“Oh sorry, was just thinking of where to sleep I’ll go get Kie so she can sleep in here and I’ll share the couch with Pope”

She shook her head “thought you were gonna be my friend again JJ”

“What do you mean we are friends, I promised I’d be nice to you. Why aren’t I being your friend? What did I do now?” I didn’t realize how much my voice had risen or how much it sounded panicked.

“Come here you idiot” she laughed at me patting the bed. “I won’t bite JJ we’re friends you’re allowed to sleep next to me”

“Oh”

_She wanted me to sleep next to her. I haven’t slept next to her in years well unless we’re on the couch but not this close. Shit, what if I like snore or annoy her or what if I wake up with a boner or have a wet dream. Fuck I don’t wanna be a creep._

“You coming to bed or are you just gonna stay up all night smoking weed” her face looked amused.

“Yeah I’m coming just give me a sec”

I dashed into the bathroom, put on some deodorant, and washing out my mouth. Just chill bro, she doesn’t know you like her she’s just being your friend. I walked back into the room she was pulling off her shorts and chucking one of John B’s shirts on. She turned back and looked at me.

“What’s up with you, you’re acting like I’m gonna murder you in your sleep. Don’t worry I’m sure there’s a rule on no Pogue’s killing Pogues”

She pulled back the covers and climbed into bed. I followed suit, pulling my t-shirt shirt, and lying down next to her I could feel her warmth without even touching her. She rolled over to face me holding up her pinking finger.

“Promise you won’t be a dick to me anymore or tell the guys what I told you. I want to tell the first.”

I smiled at her holding out my pinking interlocking it with hers.

“I promise” we reached forward kissing out hands. Her lips were so close to mine I could barely move. She pulled back letting out a giggling.

“We haven’t done that in years”

“Yeah and most of our promises were you not to start fights” she whispered back rolling over and turning off the lamp. I stayed still staring at her back, the slow rise and fall of her shoulders. I closed my eyes drifting off to sleep.

*****

I blinked open my eyes almost jumping before I realized where I was. My arm was draped over JJ’s stomach and my leg was entwined in his. Shit, I must have done that in the night. I stared up at him, his shaggy blonde hair a mess against the pillow. A black eye was starting to emerge, and a split ripped through the left side of his lip. Seeing his body covered in bruises from his father sent me almost into a blind rage sometimes. I never let him see it, not anymore. Now I walked away before screaming into a pillow or the woods. I would lose myself, swearing to kill him, drown him, light his house on fire or poison his alcohol. I would scream and scream and scream until I was too tired to anymore. Luke Maybank deserves to rot either in prison or in the ground somewhere far away from JJ. I ran my hand across his chest. JJ had started to become more of a man at 15, he grew tall and muscular and his voice broke. I always loved JJ but back when we were 15 and 16, I wanted him. He always flirted with me back then but that’s what he did with everyone. So, I’d push him to see if it was more, I tried to make him mad or jealous, but he just made jokes and teased. Eventually, he stopped flirting, and then we started fighting. I gave up realizing he’d never actually like me back plus when Kie came back he was all over her. She was beautiful how could he not. I moved on searched for something like that in other people mainly Kooks, but they just made me feel dirty never how JJ used to make me feel. Sometimes in moments like this, I thought I might still feel that way, but I pushed it down. JJ was my best friend once and I did everything to make him happy even after we started fighting, I still tried but I had started to downplay it or hide it so he would take it. If I’d given him money straight out he’d never have accepted it so instead I snuck it into his backpack or clothes or started stupid bets I’d know he’d win. When he hadn’t been home in a few days after a fight with his dad I’d go out and buy everyone takeaway always ordering extra of JJ’s favorites and act like it was for everyone. No matter how much he hated me or pissed me off I wasn’t ever going to stop caring. I had this stupid pity money and if I could give it to my family I would try as much as I could. He squinted his eyes and grumbled. Shit, I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I could feel his stare on me he shuffled in the bed and I took this opportunity to roll off him. I turned over and pretended to still be asleep.

“B” he whispered softly. I didn’t react too embarrassed about the position I had just been in.

“I see you that way” he stroked the hair off my shoulder, my body shivered at the lightness of his touch. Shit, I let out a sleepy mm before rolling over and opening my eyes.

“did you say something?” I mumbled looking up at him. His cheeks flushed a light pink.

“Ah no? when?”

“Must have been in my dream, morning”

“Morning” he returned shooting out of bed and making for the door. He looked back “Need to take a leak”

I rolled over onto my stomach I could smell him against the sheets, and I breathed in deeply. I see you that way? What does that mean?


End file.
